Been a while!

It took a sick day off from work and a gloomy tuesday evening to finally get me back here. A terrible cold kept me indoors today. Its been a welcome break.

The last 4 months have felt like an eternity. I dont think anything much has changed. Or then again maybe a lot has changed but i dont want to either care or believe it anymore. I've never been a fan of change.

To start at where i left off last... Well i started my new job in August, which means its been about 3 and something months now. Enjoyed the change, enjoyed the environment and most importantly enjoyed the money. Use of the past tense is deliberate. The job is still fun (on most days at least) but the monotony of it and the routine of it gets to me sometimes. Work has made me a mechanical drone leaving me little room or time for any semblence of a social life. Never expected to see myself as materialistic as i am now. The money is all its always about i guess. I've been working a little over a year now and i think i've reached the age where i have a strong urge to leave everything behind and follow the road to no where.

Its been a really long year on the personal front. Lost a few things i never thought i could ever manage to do. Friends, girlfriends, trust, faith, love- dont know what any of these mean anymore. Stop existing and start living sang Micheal Jackson a long long time ago. Somehow i cant get myself to doing that. A meaningless existence is what i'm leading. Apparently my handwriting also says i lack direction. I'm wondering if the lack of direction is a conscious decision. A conscious decision to live for the day and not worry about tomm. Not worry about the crap tomorrow may throw at me. Not having a plan. I've managed thus far without one. My nonchalant talk of death seems to get me real weird reactions. I just dont care about tomorrow. For all i know this monitor in front of my face may blow up and kill me! It's about right here right now. A lot of people have called me stupid for my attitude. My answer to all of you is "go tell someone who cares".

Possibly the only girl i have ever loved got engaged a few weeks ago. I am totally over her. Have forced myself day in and day out to suppress any feelings i have for her or for anyone else. Its all empty inside now.

I see 'friends' around feel so helpless and spiralling out of control and it affects me none. You mess up you mess up. Keep me out of it.

On the brighter side i had a nice long relaxing vacation around early October. It was back to the beaches of Gokarna. Unlike the last time i was there this time was undoubtedly the best vacation i've ever had. All i did for 3 days was watch the ocean and drink beer. Loved it. And the company made it all the more enjoyable.

Recently i started learning to play the guitar. Have always wanted to and i finally got around to doing it. More about that in the future.

I always knew a shrink would make big money off me someday. I very recently met someone who seems to know the workings of the head but she seems as confused about life as i am. More on her in the future as well.

Each day gives me even less of a reason to wake up the next. The weeks seems to be getting longer and the weekends shorter. People seem to be disappearing like i was carrying the plague or something. Dont care. Need to get some sleep now. Hope psycho chick lets me.

One of Those Days

"A few days back i caught myself complaining to myself how work was sucking the life out of me and gave me no time for much else. Its been about a month since i started and for the most part i've put in 10-12hr shifts. After what's happened the last few days im sitting on a sunday morning wishing i was at work instead. Dont get me wrong, im not a workaholic, i'm not one of those losers who claim to love their work, i'm just some one so fucked in head that even a few moments alone with my thoughts could be hazadous to my health."Lost my life, lost my dreams- Its a brave new world"... Ironic the way this is playing right about now. What got me writing this post was an earlier song that went "Your time will come". Yeah right!!

Cynisism was an art form i had mastered a few years ago and then i met a girl who was hell bent on showing me there's still good on the Earth. I'm now ashamed to say that she might have succeeded. All that ends now! Pray tell me where the good is now?? Where are YOU now??? I might have been in love with you then and bought what you said. Now i know better. If you do by some chance read this then i know just whats going through your head. At no cost do you pick up the phone and call me!! I seem to have become misery's child! Or i think i like being in misery and go looking for it. Either way i think a shrink is gonna make loads off me someday.To make matters worse i might have met some one really special but the state im in im sure i'l mess it up. Its time for another sabbatical. Shut out absolutely everyone. Work and home are the only two places i want to be. Its sad D that things turned out the way they did. I wish i could help you, i really want to, even after all thats happened the past months... You lied to me, you avoided me, hell, you did far worse. I want to look past all that because i know what it feels like to be as desperate as you are now. You say you dont need my help, you say you dont need me, its ok, il live. I only hope and pray that you dont do anything stupid. I've had a lot of good times with you and its sad its all over now. Please think about what you're doing."

This has been in my drafts for about 8 months now, Dint post it because i thought to myself that i might just a tad be getting carried away by emotion. 8 months on i feel the passion with which the above piece was written and i do not want to hide it anymore. Dint even want to edit it. I know how i felt then by just reading this.

And the wierd thing is if i was to be writing something new today it would still be along the same lines. Change the names a bit and you would have my present life. Huh!

P.S: "I only hope and pray that you dont do anything stupid." - Dint quite work out.

I hope and pray now that she's still alive.

Back To Reality

The last couple of weeks have been enjoyable mostly because i had no work, i had no worries about being unemployed, i had a few friends to bum around with at any time of day or night and of course, i had my fair supply of booze. Lazed around, watched TV, lazed around, had lunch, lazed around, listened to music, and lazed around some more. This was on days when i actually woke up before lunch.

I've been wanting to do a night trek up a scenic hill (well the scenic part kicks in at the top) for a while now and finally got around to doing it a few days ago . The hill is called Skandagiri and im sure you'l find a lot of info about the place online if you're really interested. Honestly, i've never walked so much ever. There's some jackass who mentions in his blog that the trek level is "moderate". Well it is moderate if you are hmmm... er.. an ASS!! I cant wait to get my hands on that clown. Grrr!!! Anyways... we made it to the top after much huffing and panting and lots of advice from two mountain people. Mountain people?? you ask... Bhutanese. "Dont sit down" , "dont drink too much water", "dont let your body cool down" etc etc... Utsav im sure you meant well and now im gonna tell you this the nicest way i can, next time we do this (if we do it again) PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

The only thing i still havent been able to do is take a really long drive or ride out of the city. Drive may not be possible because of financial constraints and secondly that damn car of mine broke down for the hundreth time yesterday. No, thank you very much!! The ride on the other had seems more do-able. I still have a fews days on my vacation so maybe i can pull it off. Wait and watch.

Last but not least i wanted to set a few things right with an ex-girlfriend. Dint quite work out the way i wanted it to. Now i have no clue where she is, no way to contact her. I made my girlfriend(she wasnt ex then) disappear!!! Now is that a cool trick to learn or what!

End of Chapter 1

After almost a year, i quit my first job today. As frustrating and claustrophobic as this place is, i think im gonna miss it. How many people in Bangalore can say that commute between home and work is under 10 mins? My personal record is 7 mins. Of course, i probably had some heavy music blaring in my ears.

The work had been completely unheard of. Writing patents! Im no software guy, very far from it actually. And a job in the IT capital which dint involve coding and paid decently( I have a Bachelor's degree in Electronics & Communication and my folks assumed i would be in the Major Leagues!) were very few and far in between. So when i got here and wrote a test for this company they seemed impressed with my writing and offered me a job. Was the first interview i'd ever attended.

As far a work goes, actually let me not go any further. Work is work and it gets to you. What came out of it is discovering a passion for writing. I never in a million years would have imagined that one day i would be writing for a living. Met a lot of interesting people here. Each one with a unique quirk. Quite a motley crew i must say. A very intelligent man-undoubtedly the wisest guy i have ever come across. May his soul rest in peace. A very very professional woman who has smiled maybe about 7 times since i'v gotten here. My initial team lead. And a business man. In every sense of the word. My CEO. And a girl who i found out much later loathed me because she thought i was "one of them guys". For the others i missed, you know who you are, i'l miss you all. Thanks for the good times.



This was my first job and like my first love i'll always remember it as much as i want to forget it.

Life goes on. Its a new beginning. New people to meet, new mistakes to make, new adventures to undertake.

Are we at the end?

25th July- Bangalore- Between 1:30pm and 3:00pm- 8 bombs go off. 1 dead, a dozen injured, thousands of rumours, vehicular movement at a standstill.

26th July- Ahmedabad- Upto 17 bombs detonate between 6:45pm and 9:00pm-Around 10 dead and several injured.

27th July- 12:07 in the afternoon. So far so good.

My blog seems to be a lot about deaths and the things you learn about people after they are no more. The last month and a half have been kinda hard on this front. Close friends, parents of even closer friends, uncles and aunts seem to be heaven bound. All this has been so sudden and unexpected that i wondered if doomsday could be upon on. Very stupid i know but you need to be in a situation like i am in to understand this.

So as i lay thinking about the end of the world, the Earth was facing destruction by the Vogon Constructor Fleets (Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy). This was an unfortunate coincidence.
An article my friend read out to me from a newspaper came to mind. The world would come to an end in 2012. I did some research on this and apparently according to the Mayan calender we are staring the Apocalypse in the face.

I found quite a few interesting videos on YouTube. Here is one that is surely worth a watch.


After seeing the video i expected to be jolted back to reality but surprising i felt a calm i havent felt in months. The world's gonna end!!! Yeah, so? I now do believe that the world is gonna end sometime soon, call me a fool, call me a believer of blind faith.. it doesnt matter.

The world is not going to end because of a natural disaster as most believe or even the Vogon Constructor Fleets. If its going to end its probably because of some idiot screaming obscenities at another idiot's mother or religion causing the second idiot to unload some nuclear material on the first idiot's ass.

So the message is simple. Rock on!!!

Afterlife

The sudden passing of a dear friend and colleague a few days ago in an automobile accident brought to the forefront the debate of the afterlife. An 'enlightened' fella i happen to work with seemed to think that his soul may already be in another body and may have been re-born. For someone who doesn't believe in religion and the after life this sounded like absolute Hog-wash to me. I remember a conversation with the colleague a couple of days prior to his passing where he was telling me about a book by a German author, it was called 'Siddartha' i think. It had been a long day and i only remember parts of the story. Two boys (one of the them being Siddartha) set out in search of enlightenment and after wandering the streets of northern India for a few months they come across Buddha. The story goes that Buddha offers them both the knowledge to attain enlightenment. To cut a long story short, Siddartha trudges on with his journey because he believes that enlightenment gained by Buddha is not the enlightenment he is after.

I dont quite get the concept of religion. How can millions of people swear by something just for the simple reason that millions of people before them have done the same? Isn't there an iota of doubt in your mind about the things you've been conditioned to believe from times you were not old enough to think for yourself? Im not the one who believes in spells and chants and poojas and the Gazillion other things religion- related. I may not believe in religion but i do believe in a higher power. I believe in the Siddartha way.. Go out and discover for yourself what life is. When friends or family visit a picturesque location, no matter how much or how well they describe it to you you would only fathom the beauty of it if you actually visited the place yourself. Why must it be any different when we talk about religion and spirituality?

Coming back to where we started. The afterlife. The obscurity of it is that there isn't a single person who can explain it to anyone. People having near death experiences are many. The stories about your life flashing through eyes are also many. Im not discrediting any of the people who claim to have had these near death experiences. I have had no such experiences and i wouldn't know. That being said, near death experiences has nothing to do with the afterlife. There is absolutely no way to explain the afterlife. Each person unto his own. Either you show faith and believe what has been said over the years or you find a way to either prove or disprove it.