The nano-moment

Yes, it is that one nanosecond of stupidity or loss of judgement that haunts you for the rest of your life. Or rather, till that next nano-moment. The experience of getting drunk and calling an ex-girlfriend to tell her you still love her is something that one doesn't forget in a hurry. It may only be forgotten when one gets drunker and calls the ex-girlfriend's husband to tell him that you still love her. For the record, neither of the above has ever happened to me. Well, not all of it anyways.

Coming back to that fraction of a second where Murphy's law is at its best, why can't people just take a moment to realize the consequences of something going wrong? As a matter of principle, i am cynical and pessimistic. There's not really a bone of optimism in my being. To all of you who know me and are nodding your head in agreement, there's one thing i need to ask you all. What the hell is wrong in being pessimistic, what's so wrong in believing that something is always going to go wrong?? Believing that something will go wrong, probably does not make me a better person but sure as hell keeps me out of trouble. Opening a shaken bottle of beer in MY car is just not done! I don't care if you think it has no fizz, the chance of it spilling in my car is not something i want to take. Hundred of nano-moments have taught me that. Murphy has taught me that. If it can go wrong it sure will!

A couple of weeks ago, i was at the wrong end of a series of unfortunate events. It started one cloudy, pleasant Saturday morning, i had the urge to get away from the city and the routine of daily life. I turned over in bed, found my phone and made a few calls to let people know of my intentions. Three answered, all three surprisingly said yes. Of course, two of them were lured under false pretenses but what the hell, they could've used some excitement in life. And excitement they did get!

We decided to drive down to Hogennekal falls, about 160-180 kms from Bangalore. The weather was perfect, the music was good and the company was people I've know a long long time. Good times. We took the Hosur road flyover. At the wheel of a Baleno on a straight empty road free of humans and animals was more than i could have wanted at the time. 120 kmph!! Aaah!! Someday some woman is going to be very very jealous of that car. What can i say, I absolutely love her! Ever since i gave up on all mankind and stopped expecting things off them, the Baleno has been my only friend. She gives me comfort in the long traffic jams, she lets me blare music at obscene volumes, and when i take her out, she's always ready to give me all she has.

Coming back to the drive, after we got off the flyover, the first thing we did was look for a bar. We were headed into Tamil Nadu and Tamil Nadu really doesn't have a reputation of being alcoholic friendly. We stopped, bought a few beers and some whiskey. It was still too early in the day to start drinking for the people who had already had a few drinks on Friday night, those who hadn't, opened their beers.

It had been a long long time since I had driven on a traffic free road. I loved it. Even shifting to 4th gear on city roads had been impossible. 5th gear and 120-140 kmph felt like heaven.

So after a few stops and some aggressive driving we got within about 60kms of our destination. We stopped to buy a few things and that is when a friend of mine asked if he could drive. Prior to that, I've allowed at most 3 people to drive my car. I once drove about 650-700 kms in two days all by myself. The thing is, my car was initially owned by an early middle aged woman and I was the only guy to have handled her (i'm talking about the car here and not the middle aged woman you perverts!). The virtuous being that she was had never been touched by another man before me. And i'll be damned if i let just any random guy touch her! The only problem on that day was that this guy was no random guy. I had known him for about 15 years. I couldn't just laugh at him and say "You??? Drive my car?? Not a chance in hell!!!" as i did with everyone else.

He had been commenting on my driving and giving me "tips" all along the way, primarily directed towards slowing down and having more control of the car. So anyways, I figured i would let him drive considering his words till then had suggested he would be driving at 50 kmph. For the first few kilometers that he was driving, things seemed nice and simple. Once we hit hilly terrain, i dont know what go into him but he just took off and floored it. Small curvy roads are not really a place to be flooring it. He missed a bus by inches, slid into corners and at the same time asked me to "trust" him. I said as long as he didn't wreck my car, he could do as he pleased. I also warned him from my past experiences that once the car started drifting, he was fucked. Somebody from behind corrected me and said all of us were fucked if the car started to drift. And drift it did. Tyres screeching trying to grip the tarmac. Still no signs of slowing down.

And then it happened, that nano-moment that brought the day’s festivities to an abrupt end. We skid off the right side of the road at a corner and crashed sideways into a tree. We took half the tree with us for good measure. Crashing into a tree at about 80-100 kmph does leave behind some painful damage! The entire right side of the car was wrecked. Starting from the fender all the way to the rear door. Its a sight i can never forget. To make matters worse, the point of impact had been the right front wheel which had caused the shaft connecting the front two wheels to the steering column to snap. This meant that only the left wheel was still connected to the steering column. If i turned the steering left, the left wheel would turn left but the right one wouldn't move. The one thing that i knew belonged to me and that i thought would never leave me was smashed beyond recognition.

I have a policy never to think about and worry about something that i cannot change. What had happened had happened. There was no way to go back and undo it. I didn't even say a word to him. If it was anybody else i might have pushed him off the edge of the road into a deep gorge below. But i didn't do anything. There are some lessons people just have to learn the hard way. This was one such lesson. This was his nano-moment which would haunt him every single time he saw me or my car again.

Its been about 3 weeks now and i still haven't gotten my car back. She's still at a service station at Dharmapuri. I miss her. I hope she recovers enough to be herself again.

P.S: Two days after this story, i had another accident. I had to go to Dharmapuri to submit my original documents for insurance proceedings. Sumanth and I went in my dad's car this time. It was a Monday and both of us had taken the day off. After submitting the documents, we decided we would go to Hogennekal falls considering we never really got to do it two days ago.

We had a few drinks and on the way back, when we were passing through a small town, the left side of the car made contact with a guy walking on the side of the road. To this day i don't know how that happened. We figured that if we stopped we'd be lynched and so decided to just drive. 3 motorcycles followed us and made us stop. To our misfortune, we were now right in the middle of a marketplace. Even before we could get out of the car we had about 30 people surrounding us. This was gonna be how i went out! But thankfully, a police van was just passing by and they asked me to follow them to the police station. To cut a long story short, i spent about 5 hrs in a police station, the guy i hit wasn't injured much, we got off after paying a hefty fine!

Kotagiri & Ooty

I've been meaning to get out of the city for a long time now. Actually, the long time kind of translates to about two weeks. Was in Pondicherry two weeks ago. That aside, the work, the traffic and the societal necessity to be nice to everyone, even for two weeks is a bit of a pain.

I like Good Friday. No sentimental or religious beliefs. I like it for one reason and one reason only, its always on a Friday. Meaning, its always the start to a long weekend. For the overworked, frustrated soul that i am, a long weekend is a god-send. So to make good use of this weekend we decided to drive down to Kotagiri. Deciding on a place and making the necessary arrangements is usually left to Sumanth. How to get there, what to see, where to eat, etc etc is all taken care of by him. All i have to do is wake up on the given day at the given time and drive. This time was different. The trip was to be with colleagues and we choose Kotagiri because a colleague's uncle had accommodation there. 10 mins and we had decided. Sumanth was invited, and after a little natak (and checking pics of the place on google) decided to tag along.

For the uninitiated, this is Sumanth! And, ladies, as "hawt" as he may look, he is single and available. Please leave a comment with your details and i'll see to it that he gives you a call.

Left Bangalore at about 4:40 am thanks to Sumanth's I-need-to-dress-up-for-any-girls-who-might-be-roaming-around-the-highways-at-4am antics. We usually leave at 4am anywhere we go. We decided to go through Sathy (Satyamangalam) instead of the beaten track of Mysore-Bandipur- Ooty - Kotagiri. We were directed this way by the aforementioned 'uncle' as he felt we would have difficulty in climbing into Ooty. If i knew the roads were in the condition they were in I wouldn't have hesitated one bit. I'm sure the Baleno could have taken it. Before going further i absolutely have to say this: the roads in Tamil Nadu are just amazing. For someone who hasn't put his car in 5th or even 4th gear in a long time due to traffic conditions this was a dream come true. Even the ghat section with a number of hairpin curves had the best roads i've seen in a while. Driving was an absolute pleasure and I dint feel the least bit strained. I drove all the way through and back.

Kotagiri is a nice quiet place. Dont expect anything fancy. If you want fancy i suggest you go to Ooty. But be prepared for half of Bangalore City being there at any point of time. We stayed at a place called Bel air cottages. The place is pretty decent. Rooms rates vary between 750 - 1200 per day. The food served here is not only expensive but not something you would want to write home about. I'm not sure about other eating options in Kotagiri but after two meals where were staying, it was bread and butter and jam for us.

The pics i guess says enough about the place. Its a much better option when compared to Ooty. And the drive is surely worth it. Cheers.

Dear Mr Police Commisioner (Traffic)

Good Morning Sir. I hope this finds you in good health and enjoying your morning cup of tea.

Coming straight to the point. Thank you (or whoever else is responsible) for making the Richmond Circle flyover the state it is in right now. The flyover in question had the dubious distinction of being the ONLY flyover in the world to have a signal atop it. Thanks for rectifying that. We absolutely could not have the world laughing at us for it could we? We are after all the "silicon city"!

In your pursuit of correcting a wrong that was made years ago due to faulty design and planning, did you once think of how your actions would effect traffic flow? Let me elaborate:

7pm: Leave office situated on Brunton Road, parallel to MG road.

7:10pm: Made it past the HOSMAT hospital junction and headed to the Lifestyle junction.

7:20pm: Near the Richmond circle flyover, hoping to shift into 3rd on getting on the flyover.

7:35pm: Still near the Richmond circle flyover, still hoping to shift into 3rd on getting on the flyover. You see Mr Commissioner, the rush at the flyover is not because your brainstorm worked and you finally figured out the secret to a 'successful' flyover, but because traffic is headed in every direction except the flyover! The left of the flyover headed towards the Richmond Circle and eventually on to Mission road and also towards Kanteerva Stadium reminds me of a car and bus version of the Kumbh Mela. The right headed to Residency road is no better.

Of the at least 1000 vehicles at the flyover in a 10-15 min span, about 80-120 use the flyover. Bravo.

If you thought that getting on to the flyover was the problem, hang on.

7:50pm: Finally in third gear. But wait, what's that ahead? A single lane on the flyover? (thanks to making the KH road (a.k.a double road) up ramp an up ramp and down ramp now) With pot holes too? Oh yes, this must be paradise. Back to 2nd. Alas, i would have considered myself lucky if i could've stayed in 2nd.

7:54pm: Traffic at a standstill on the down ramp of the flyover headed to double road.

8:05pm: Still on the flyover. Being a law abiding citizen, I've never parked on the flyover before. Only when i was stuck there for what seemed an eternity did i realize that that darn thing vibrates like mad every time a vehicle passes by on the other side. A van in front of me reminded me of a bumper sticker that said "If this van's rockin', dont come knockin'".

So, Mr Commissioner (or whoever else), before you decide to spend any of our money on flyovers that dont work or on underpasses that are not needed, please step back, take a sip of your tea, and forget about it. Thank you very much for your time. Good day.

Been a while!

It took a sick day off from work and a gloomy tuesday evening to finally get me back here. A terrible cold kept me indoors today. Its been a welcome break.

The last 4 months have felt like an eternity. I dont think anything much has changed. Or then again maybe a lot has changed but i dont want to either care or believe it anymore. I've never been a fan of change.

To start at where i left off last... Well i started my new job in August, which means its been about 3 and something months now. Enjoyed the change, enjoyed the environment and most importantly enjoyed the money. Use of the past tense is deliberate. The job is still fun (on most days at least) but the monotony of it and the routine of it gets to me sometimes. Work has made me a mechanical drone leaving me little room or time for any semblence of a social life. Never expected to see myself as materialistic as i am now. The money is all its always about i guess. I've been working a little over a year now and i think i've reached the age where i have a strong urge to leave everything behind and follow the road to no where.

Its been a really long year on the personal front. Lost a few things i never thought i could ever manage to do. Friends, girlfriends, trust, faith, love- dont know what any of these mean anymore. Stop existing and start living sang Micheal Jackson a long long time ago. Somehow i cant get myself to doing that. A meaningless existence is what i'm leading. Apparently my handwriting also says i lack direction. I'm wondering if the lack of direction is a conscious decision. A conscious decision to live for the day and not worry about tomm. Not worry about the crap tomorrow may throw at me. Not having a plan. I've managed thus far without one. My nonchalant talk of death seems to get me real weird reactions. I just dont care about tomorrow. For all i know this monitor in front of my face may blow up and kill me! It's about right here right now. A lot of people have called me stupid for my attitude. My answer to all of you is "go tell someone who cares".

Possibly the only girl i have ever loved got engaged a few weeks ago. I am totally over her. Have forced myself day in and day out to suppress any feelings i have for her or for anyone else. Its all empty inside now.

I see 'friends' around feel so helpless and spiralling out of control and it affects me none. You mess up you mess up. Keep me out of it.

On the brighter side i had a nice long relaxing vacation around early October. It was back to the beaches of Gokarna. Unlike the last time i was there this time was undoubtedly the best vacation i've ever had. All i did for 3 days was watch the ocean and drink beer. Loved it. And the company made it all the more enjoyable.

Recently i started learning to play the guitar. Have always wanted to and i finally got around to doing it. More about that in the future.

I always knew a shrink would make big money off me someday. I very recently met someone who seems to know the workings of the head but she seems as confused about life as i am. More on her in the future as well.

Each day gives me even less of a reason to wake up the next. The weeks seems to be getting longer and the weekends shorter. People seem to be disappearing like i was carrying the plague or something. Dont care. Need to get some sleep now. Hope psycho chick lets me.

One of Those Days

"A few days back i caught myself complaining to myself how work was sucking the life out of me and gave me no time for much else. Its been about a month since i started and for the most part i've put in 10-12hr shifts. After what's happened the last few days im sitting on a sunday morning wishing i was at work instead. Dont get me wrong, im not a workaholic, i'm not one of those losers who claim to love their work, i'm just some one so fucked in head that even a few moments alone with my thoughts could be hazadous to my health."Lost my life, lost my dreams- Its a brave new world"... Ironic the way this is playing right about now. What got me writing this post was an earlier song that went "Your time will come". Yeah right!!

Cynisism was an art form i had mastered a few years ago and then i met a girl who was hell bent on showing me there's still good on the Earth. I'm now ashamed to say that she might have succeeded. All that ends now! Pray tell me where the good is now?? Where are YOU now??? I might have been in love with you then and bought what you said. Now i know better. If you do by some chance read this then i know just whats going through your head. At no cost do you pick up the phone and call me!! I seem to have become misery's child! Or i think i like being in misery and go looking for it. Either way i think a shrink is gonna make loads off me someday.To make matters worse i might have met some one really special but the state im in im sure i'l mess it up. Its time for another sabbatical. Shut out absolutely everyone. Work and home are the only two places i want to be. Its sad D that things turned out the way they did. I wish i could help you, i really want to, even after all thats happened the past months... You lied to me, you avoided me, hell, you did far worse. I want to look past all that because i know what it feels like to be as desperate as you are now. You say you dont need my help, you say you dont need me, its ok, il live. I only hope and pray that you dont do anything stupid. I've had a lot of good times with you and its sad its all over now. Please think about what you're doing."

This has been in my drafts for about 8 months now, Dint post it because i thought to myself that i might just a tad be getting carried away by emotion. 8 months on i feel the passion with which the above piece was written and i do not want to hide it anymore. Dint even want to edit it. I know how i felt then by just reading this.

And the wierd thing is if i was to be writing something new today it would still be along the same lines. Change the names a bit and you would have my present life. Huh!

P.S: "I only hope and pray that you dont do anything stupid." - Dint quite work out.

I hope and pray now that she's still alive.

Back To Reality

The last couple of weeks have been enjoyable mostly because i had no work, i had no worries about being unemployed, i had a few friends to bum around with at any time of day or night and of course, i had my fair supply of booze. Lazed around, watched TV, lazed around, had lunch, lazed around, listened to music, and lazed around some more. This was on days when i actually woke up before lunch.

I've been wanting to do a night trek up a scenic hill (well the scenic part kicks in at the top) for a while now and finally got around to doing it a few days ago . The hill is called Skandagiri and im sure you'l find a lot of info about the place online if you're really interested. Honestly, i've never walked so much ever. There's some jackass who mentions in his blog that the trek level is "moderate". Well it is moderate if you are hmmm... er.. an ASS!! I cant wait to get my hands on that clown. Grrr!!! Anyways... we made it to the top after much huffing and panting and lots of advice from two mountain people. Mountain people?? you ask... Bhutanese. "Dont sit down" , "dont drink too much water", "dont let your body cool down" etc etc... Utsav im sure you meant well and now im gonna tell you this the nicest way i can, next time we do this (if we do it again) PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

The only thing i still havent been able to do is take a really long drive or ride out of the city. Drive may not be possible because of financial constraints and secondly that damn car of mine broke down for the hundreth time yesterday. No, thank you very much!! The ride on the other had seems more do-able. I still have a fews days on my vacation so maybe i can pull it off. Wait and watch.

Last but not least i wanted to set a few things right with an ex-girlfriend. Dint quite work out the way i wanted it to. Now i have no clue where she is, no way to contact her. I made my girlfriend(she wasnt ex then) disappear!!! Now is that a cool trick to learn or what!