Been a while!

It took a sick day off from work and a gloomy tuesday evening to finally get me back here. A terrible cold kept me indoors today. Its been a welcome break.

The last 4 months have felt like an eternity. I dont think anything much has changed. Or then again maybe a lot has changed but i dont want to either care or believe it anymore. I've never been a fan of change.

To start at where i left off last... Well i started my new job in August, which means its been about 3 and something months now. Enjoyed the change, enjoyed the environment and most importantly enjoyed the money. Use of the past tense is deliberate. The job is still fun (on most days at least) but the monotony of it and the routine of it gets to me sometimes. Work has made me a mechanical drone leaving me little room or time for any semblence of a social life. Never expected to see myself as materialistic as i am now. The money is all its always about i guess. I've been working a little over a year now and i think i've reached the age where i have a strong urge to leave everything behind and follow the road to no where.

Its been a really long year on the personal front. Lost a few things i never thought i could ever manage to do. Friends, girlfriends, trust, faith, love- dont know what any of these mean anymore. Stop existing and start living sang Micheal Jackson a long long time ago. Somehow i cant get myself to doing that. A meaningless existence is what i'm leading. Apparently my handwriting also says i lack direction. I'm wondering if the lack of direction is a conscious decision. A conscious decision to live for the day and not worry about tomm. Not worry about the crap tomorrow may throw at me. Not having a plan. I've managed thus far without one. My nonchalant talk of death seems to get me real weird reactions. I just dont care about tomorrow. For all i know this monitor in front of my face may blow up and kill me! It's about right here right now. A lot of people have called me stupid for my attitude. My answer to all of you is "go tell someone who cares".

Possibly the only girl i have ever loved got engaged a few weeks ago. I am totally over her. Have forced myself day in and day out to suppress any feelings i have for her or for anyone else. Its all empty inside now.

I see 'friends' around feel so helpless and spiralling out of control and it affects me none. You mess up you mess up. Keep me out of it.

On the brighter side i had a nice long relaxing vacation around early October. It was back to the beaches of Gokarna. Unlike the last time i was there this time was undoubtedly the best vacation i've ever had. All i did for 3 days was watch the ocean and drink beer. Loved it. And the company made it all the more enjoyable.

Recently i started learning to play the guitar. Have always wanted to and i finally got around to doing it. More about that in the future.

I always knew a shrink would make big money off me someday. I very recently met someone who seems to know the workings of the head but she seems as confused about life as i am. More on her in the future as well.

Each day gives me even less of a reason to wake up the next. The weeks seems to be getting longer and the weekends shorter. People seem to be disappearing like i was carrying the plague or something. Dont care. Need to get some sleep now. Hope psycho chick lets me.